Being a Perfect Parent

This is a copy of one of my favorite posts from a couple years ago when I thought I might enjoy writing a blog. Please enjoy my misery, as I have now come full circle and can laugh at this experience.

7/10/2014

Over the past two years I have become comfortable being the parent whose child is watching other children pitch fits. The parent whose child wants to help, says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, loves to perform tasks when asked, and is generally happy as can be. Today, I was NOT that parent and that was NOT my child.
Over the past two months I have become comfortable being the parent with the baby who smiles at everyone and almost never cries. The parent whose baby is happy being talked to responding with quick kicking little feet and the sweetest expressions. Today, I was NOT that parent and that was NOT my baby.
Since Fiona’s birth, I have been asked by countless people how I manage two young children, or they tell me I must really have my hands full. In the past I’ve said, ‘it’s really not that bad, they’re both pretty easy although we have our moments.’ Up until today, that’s all we have had, bad moments that end quickly and don’t leave me wishing I were invisible.

Today I was the parent with the two year old and the baby that everyone felt either sorry for, annoyed with, or thought that I was obviously a complete moron. I have never been more humiliated in my life.

Today was Grayson’s two year check-up and Fiona’s two month check-up, complete with vaccines. Grayson had tested me all morning, which he does on occasion and it’s not a big deal, just makes the day a little harder. I had planned on getting up and taking both of them to Strawberry Hill to get some frozen yogurt and play before their appointment at 1:30, then being done just in time for Grayson’s nap at 3:00. Grayson woke up at the crack of dawn, about 5 minutes after I had gotten Fiona to sleep for the 87th time. Any other night, she only gets up twice and he sleeps til 9:00, so the day started off with me tired and Grayson awake too early to stay happily awake until his usual nap time of 3:00. I had already opted out of going for frozen yogurt just because we weren’t having an easy day, but I never anticipated the crap storm I was fixing to suffer at the doctor’s office.

About 10 minutes before we got there, Grayson went to sleep, so when we got there and he got woke up, he was not happy, but he seemed okay. Seemed. Upon walking into the building Fiona started crying and as we walked to the waiting area, so did Grayson. Great. So here I am trying to modestly get a boob out to feed Fiona, because I THOUGHT that was what was bothering her, while also trying to talk Grayson out of crying, which is usually really easy. Not today. Fiona was not hungry and Grayson was not willing to be convinced the world wasn’t ending. So about two seconds after that, the nurse calls us back. Grayson’s screaming, Fiona is screaming and I’m wishing I were in a dark cave somewhere that there were no people. This began the worst fit I have ever witnessed. Not just from my child, any child. He kicked and screamed while I tried to get him on the scale as the nurse held Fiona who was just crying away, and when that wouldn’t work the nurse got him and weighed herself and him both while I tried to calm Fiona down. The next little while consisted of screaming, crying, and me begging Grayson to calm down. I did eventually get Fiona to go to sleep and Grayson stopped crying shortly after the nurse went out. He still didn’t want to listen to a single word I said, but at least neither he or Fiona were screaming any more. The doctor checked them both out and neither cried, so again, I was feeling a little better. Then came a wave of gas or something prompted a screaming fit from Fiona that continued until about 30 seconds before her shots. Seriously? Now I have calmed her down so they can stab her 3 times and make her cry more. Great, just GREAT. That was exactly what happened.

I finally get her clothes back on, papers gathered, Grayson gathered and go out of the room. What does Grayson do? Walks over to the freaking scale and says, ‘look mommy, I’m weighing myself on dis scale!’ I’m ashamed to say that in that moment, I wanted to kick his feet together. Of course I didn’t but for the love of God, after the tantrum he threw about getting on that scale for him to now hop right on there and point it out… REALLY? Instead I just said, ‘that’s nice buddy, now get off and let’s go.’
In a perfect end to a perfect doctor’s visit, it was pouring the rain when I got outside. I was so wet after getting them both secured in their car seats that I was dripping with water and soaked all the way down to my underwear.

I went straight to the drive-thru Starbucks down the road and got myself a caramel macchiato. According to the nurse, I had earned it. In my opinion I had only survived the events of the day, certainly I hadn’t earned anything.

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