Hindsight is 2020

I haven’t written in a really long time and that’s mostly because this past year has been somewhat of a nightmare. I HATE complaining and being a Debbie Downer, so I just avoided writing, which actually probably made things seem worse.

It’s no secret that 2020, thus far, has been horrible for pretty much everyone. I have to say though, since about July of 2019, I feel like my life has been in a state or turmoil. Let’s start from the beginning, which is actually 2018.

In January of 2018, we were preparing to sell our house and buy a beautiful piece of land on which we planned to build a house. Within a couple weeks of selling our house, Mark crushed his foot in an accident at work. His injury was significant enough that his doctor said he couldn’t continue that line of work. During that process, he started a career in real estate, which financially carried us through 2019, but that also meant, we were no longer able to count his income for a home loan and so building went out the window. We rented for about 9 months, which the kids loved because there was a pool, stayed with my mom and her husband for several months, and then finally found a house within our budget that we’ve been remodeling.

Then in the summer of 2019 my mom got breast cancer, had to have a double mastectomy, my dad died unexpectedly, and then my Sugar (doggie of 13 years) died unexpectedly. That time frame was awful… my mind was full of regrets and pain. I had never been so discombobulated about how to feel in my life!

Then 2020 started, which I had decided would surely be better. It had to be better…right? Well, it wasn’t. Right about the same time as COVID starting making its debut, I found out I had cervical cancer. I was terrified. I know that cervical cancer is very treatable, but there’s something about hearing you have cancer that is simply earth shattering. I had several procedures and when it got to the last one, a hysterectomy, I found out I was also losing my job. FANTASTIC. The company that had bought our little pharmacy decided to sell all their retail locations to Walgreens and poof, we were jobless. So I had to cancel my surgery, or well, put a hold on it until I had better financial footing at least.

That brings us to now. Now I am in a constant state of flux because while I am extremely thankful that my last biopsy was good, I know I still have things that need to happen. I have some dental work that needs to be done because my teeth are the worst and I just feel like I am at a loss.

Then I look at my little family and I feel so guilty for getting discouraged. We have never been in more financial strain than we are right now, but I am beyond blessed with the family that I have. My husband has been there for me every step of the way. He’s starting another job next week and he takes on EVERY odd job here and there to help. My kids are the sweetest things on earth and I don’t know how I would’ve stayed even remotely sane without them.

Beyond my immediate family, I have a network of family and friends who’ve helped me, cried with me, and loved me throughout all these things. When I think about all the people that care about me, I don’t even know how to tell them all how much they mean to me. Every person who has taken time to pray for me, send me a kind message, or even a joke to cheer me up because you all know I approach the worst things with humor or I wouldn’t make it through it, has meant more to me than I could ever repay.

This year has just been full of so many unforeseeable pitfalls that I question every single thing I do more than ever before. One minute things are okay and I am optimistic, the next I feel like we are going to spiral out of control and I don’t know how to stop it. The need for consistency and desperation to be where I need to be with my health is overwhelming. I love my life and I don’t want to miss out on any of it. We just need to make it over this hill and we will be okay. We both have things on the horizon that will shape our future, but right now, we are definitely in a bit of a valley.

I am going to start writing again, because it does help me maintain what little sanity I feel I have left. I promise they won’t all be this depressing! I like to keep things optimistic and humorous, which is 99% of the reason I even have social media of any kind. That has been anything but optimistic lately though. The whole country is at each other’s throats and I feel like we are dehumanizing people more and more each day. That makes me incredibly sad. So this is me telling all of you, I care about you. Even though I can’t see you in “real life” I still care about you! I am sorry to anyone who feels like I haven’t made time for them, I just feel like I haven’t been able to come up for air in almost two years.

Hindsight is 20/20, or so they say, but even now, looking back, I have no idea how I have made it to where I am. All I know is that I wouldn’t be here without the prayers and support that I have had from the people surrounding me.

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